The journey ahead is lit up with love. Travel with me to places untouched.
One step, two steps, three steps and more.
The sun beams with rays up above.
There is a feeling of warmth intruding the inside of me on this early morning of May 2008?
What is this discomfort which daggers within in my body?
Go away this embedded evil. Leave me be. Grab hold of those that are the devil’s delight.
Leave be the innocent one that got away. You are not desired to take refuge here.
Within my soul the black carrier enraptures the organs of untainted flesh. An invasion of a deep, dark and painful disease shatters me to my very core.
A pulling sensation creates a ripping effect. No rubbing at the scene or rocking will ease the pain. Nothing releases the agony that lingers aggressively inside me.
I sit patiently to face the specialist awaiting any answer as to what is going on. Why am I in such excruciating pain? Give me some reason as to why I am a victim of pure evil.
Probing deeply and paying thorough attention to places never ventured before.
Time lashes out to my discomfort and pain. Stop this invasion oh carrier of hell.
Arise to the surface. I will face you oh fierce dragon. Your harbouring fire enflames my immune system with a vengeance.
Oh doctor, tell me, inform me of the disaster ahead. I feel that I am strong but not invincible. How bad could it be? Your silence is ringing in my ears. The volume is deadly. Please offer me a prescription with an immediate cure. Why wait? Fix me now.
What are these words that you speak which jab my entire being?
NO! The words have a ring of unwanted truths.
Onward I go into the battle with the dark black poison. Every second that passes the rippling effect is silent yet painfully in motion. Every minute is a step back from the day I leave this earth.
I want to stay and nothing can take away my will to live on. One day soon I will be posted to go under the knife. No call, no letter just increasingly endless pain.
Why am I forgotten? Have I done the devil wrong? I cannot take it any longer. Take this disease out of my body. Where is this operation that is supposed to be scheduled in two weeks’ time? The minutes,days,weeks and months pass but the wait comes to an abrupt halt.
The past five months continued to distort my insides with unimaginable damage. Is there punishment for those who neglect their responsibility of living on this earth according to some unforeseen cardinal rule of life?
No justice is addressed followed by unspoken silence of any real truths.
At 8:45 am on October 2008 the stainless doors open in perfect timing so unlike the addressing of the growing disease within me. Lights out, hours pass by and waking up in a room of recovery reveals a depth of pain and a huge onslaught of agonizing tears.
Help me. Take away the pain please. My insides are ripped apart and I feel every detail. It feels like I am being eaten alive from the inside out.
The lights go out with the injection of pretty pictures and life being filled with peaches and cream. The following days rob me of questionable reasons as to what is happening to me now.
I am offered a friend like no other. A dream unveils itself and I know God sent her to me. The kind of buddy that everyone should have in their life especially in the time of need.
We began walking hand in hand teetering on the plank of results that are yet to be revealed. The delivery of words so cruel and in a heartless tone drains me of reasons to live.
November 2008 there was an announcement. YOU HAVE CANCER! There is no alternative but the bouts of poisonous injections dispersing within the veins throughout the depths of my now broken body. Would this be the end results when I was to go to surgery as planned? Was there a hint of playing Russian roulette with my body? I feel blame should not be put on just the devil himself but the lack of attention for each individual patient. Ha! A reason of not enough staff and too many patients will not cut it. Who suffers now because of the lack of escaping words just to save face?
No it is silly to say that there was a possibility of the dark carrier retreating from its obvious destruction. How absurd. I so want to scream words to hurt the judgement. I want to use words to hurt as bad as I am hurting. What good would it do? We are just a number and reason to keep one employed. Harsh words but then I ask one. Does the truth hurt? Oh Yes!
December 2008 reveals me preparing my own personal hell. Is this the beginning of the end? Am I prepared as I have thought? I felt so invincible. Give the scheduled round of chemos the best confrontation life could ever offer.
Are we truly prepared for what is to come? The luscious brown lochs begin to leave their root bound home and drop deadly to the floor below me. Long eyelashes disappear; eyebrows leave behind white shadows of the years of growth.
Merry Christmas to me! I receive dishes of nausea as it fills my tummy to no end. No pill or remedy could control the extreme upset. A weakened body, muscles losing their strength as the body struggles to survive the battle.
Tears flow in the privacy of my personal places desiring no consoling efforts of those who long to lend a heart or shoulder to cry on. Grown up learning that pain is to be handled alone and weakness is not tolerable. Frig that shite. Learn to feel better with the aid of a hug. A hug is powerful! We are meant to cry and if not then why do our eyes leak as result of any disruption in life. It is okay my darling. Share because I care. As spoken from a medical attendant ‘it will get worse before it gets better’.
The upcoming treatment will rob me of my dignity and strength and the ability to see a positive light. I walk the lonely meandering path continuously to lay still for the scheduled eight hours as the transfer of two chemo treatments accompanied with various other additives. There seemed to be no light just a roller coaster of sickness. It seems to gets better but then there is the unwanted horrible return to sickness. Is there never an ending to a treatment such as this I ask?
The wheelchair became my absolute must mode of transference to the lonely room of quarantine. Witnessing an elderly woman returning from her grueling treatment like she was near death? It was disheartening. Where was her buddy? Why was she walking alone as the tragedy in her life weakened her and causing her to fall against the wall? I wanted to shed tears but my body was truly weak.
Who was this earth angel that appeared in front of me as she made her way silently through the passing crowd? She placed her hand in mine as she delivered a heartfelt note to me while I wait wearily for my drive home.
‘You need not worry dear. It will get better.’ She spoke so softly and in a split moment she took flight. I thank her with all my heart for her presence gave me reason and hope.
Time slowly returned to me trying to fulfill the sad emptiness that I held onto for a long time. Summer arrives, so warm and inviting. Please stay with me forever. This season so short but surely welcomed but what next?
Fall 2009 allowed me to get back into the daily rhythm of everyday life. There is wonder as to what life has in store for me now. Slow down to a halt life, as I have an awesome feeling at this moment. I am not ready to face the dragon once again.
Return to your hell and leave me be. I am tired. Let me rest my body. Let me labor for the love of life.
Three weeks passed as I was slipping into a positive direction filled with little or no worries and pressures. Life looks alive and my healing is still in motion. Please let the results of flowing blood and endless pain be short lived.
A dream delivers reality of the inevitable return of the cancerous dragon from hell. A new dose of the of the black disease invades me. Dear God, why does the devil feel it can destroy your beautiful creations.
Results of the CAT scan are in fast and precise. Injection of poison along with the repetitious radiation zaps my failing body. The path becomes filled with a lingering dose of yet another type of hell.
January 2010 and the hospital visits are close together and the radiated doses of fire are taking its toll. The power of chemo and radiation kicks the lustre from a once upon a time healthy organs deep inside me.
Therapy, thankfully offered from Brach, is yet a medical sword in attempts to slay the dark carrier of cancer. Insertion of tubes, vaginal stitching and hours of deliverance of pellets to the focussed sight of the persistent disease within sets my healing soul back much farther than before.
A prayer goes out in hopes that the forty eight hour stay in the daunting room filled with haunting sounds in days to come. The body is enduring anxiety and uneasiness. There comes this feeling of humiliation as it consumes the trespassing acts of drastic medicine.
Time, time, time, make refuge for my existing life. Go to hell you black carrier of disease. Time alone creates inhalation of recent memories that haunt my soul. Each day surpasses with the lingering of the obvious questions of when and where.
With space and time the reflection of living becomes strong. When can a human shed the necessary onslaught of well-earned tears. A body filled with terrible destructive cures can only endure so much.
No matter the health in which we all hold dear to ourselves the dark carrier may envelope us fast and uncalculated. Has time now fallen into my favor, let me live.
Spring showers, May flowers and summer begin to enrich my total being.
Breathe in, Breathe out, inhale the impurities of life.
Annoying coughs and irritations increase. Oh what an annoyance. Now an appointment awaits my arrival. The walk is slow and filled with extreme hesitation. A smile turning upside down as I make my way through the electric doors.
Sullen greetings, awkward silence, unacceptable words escape from the mouth of the person of expertise. I was handed the prescriptive note which required me to take on, yet again, radiated pictures of what could very well be the dark carrier of cancer once again.
Say cheese, pose for the camera. Radiation flashes its destruction through my upper body. Time is short, results are in. Please let everything be okay. The eye contact becomes dark and hesitant.
Apologies full of ice delivers struggling acceptance.
This year 2012 has crept up like the silent devastation within me. What now! I ask. My body had been through a personal hell of its own. The black carrier has dispersed to a new haven in my once untarnished lungs. Home where cancerous nodules multiply silently and uncontrollably.
Medicine issued in hopes of deterring the increase of the disease.
The dreadful appointment that holds results awaits me behind the door marked 4C.
The unveiling words tell me that the spots have multiplied and yet again permanent refuge is its destiny. What will happen to me? Is death unpredictable yet inevitable sooner or later?
Once again in May 2012 news of good takes a turn for the worse… The matter of time seemed to be against my life as it was. The sullen walkway to the small room of gloom was getting closer totally against my will.
The door separating me from the waiting results of cancer and it contagious notifications. Life as I had prayed for was placed immediately in the hellish hands of the black carrier of death.
Life as it is now is determined to face the end. Who made this deliverer of hurtful words about my life? The truth is only in the heart and mind of those who feel the total control of oneself.
You won’t send me away in the time you have predicted. Who made you God of my soul? I will prove you wrong to the best of my knowledge and ability.
August 2012 I have come to understand medical knowledge is omnipotent. Where does one go now after receiving these results carved in stone? The heartfelt, soulful desire and need to live on for many more years has been heard but has not been accepted.
The choice of walking the natural path is in the forefront of my only solution to go for change. Eating that which is sugarless, high in alkaline, low in acidic nature is brought to my attention.
Thirty days of extreme determination offers welcoming results. Once again posing in front of the radioactive slate with directive markings calls me in. Silent prayers constantly invade my mind. Time is of the essence.
Stage IV with metastasized endometrium cancer was in for a major fight. My walk through the aura of natural path magic tingles my outlook on the lingering black carrier of poison.
Thirty days of September 2013 greetings were exchanged and smiles appeared unrehearsed. Good news-heart beating strong against my upheaving chest. The carrier of the dark disease became eluded off the directive track of death. My ears were sweetened with positive results that could never be measured on any life’s scale.
The abundance of various sized spots reveals noticeable reduction in growth. Could the possibility of changing my eating habits and scheduled injections of mistletoe be magic in this change of bad news gone well?
The monthly visits became alarmingly positive. The unity between the professionals appeared to be the reason of this wonderful change for the good. A persistent route with caring angels from a natural path brought me to the positive gates of a new chance in life.
What is this announcement that a patient in possession of the black carrier longs to hear when reaching the closing of life’s door. The black has turned to white, the smile is turned upright and prayers were answered.
A moment of deep appreciation fills my heart and soul. Tears of rejoice fall like a stream filled with thankfulness. Every day filled with appreciation leads me into a life as a second chance survivor.
The year 2013 was my make or break for a new start in life minus the Black carrier of cancer. Stage IV- stage left- I take a bow and toss my hat high into the air. The carrier of the black disease lingers in the deep dark pit of no return. Each day counts as a beautiful blessing. Every reason to be cancer free and living life to its fullest is that light that beams at the entrance of my own personal tunnel of life.
My heart thanks you, my body thanks you, and my life thanks you.
With modern medicine and holistic medicine sharing the same path the possibilities are there for each and every one who has this cancerous disaster fall upon their sacred human bodies. The black carrier needs to be handled with any and all means available medicine offering a fair chance to live life, love life and laugh.
Take me dancing-swim with me in the blue water-hike with me to the limits of nature’s beauty. Hold me with sincere gratification. Love me forever, Share my joy. Live life in true harmony.
Year 2014 and now 2015 I feel absolutely blessed. Every day that lays ahead, the revelation of the unknown appears somewhat scary. Six months pass and an appointment sets uneasy in my thoughts causing increasing anxiety in motion.
Positive expectations need to be put in place. Negative assumptions can weigh down all the work I have put into wanting to live. My body has endured plenty. My mind has been overloaded. My heart ventures off the normal beaten track with no end in sight.
Have faith I remind myself. Let go! Let God! I repeat nightly in my prayers. My life is in the hands of the Almighty. I will continue to live in the moment and pray for others who have taken the carrier of cancer aboard their bodies.
Financial assistance is nowhere in sight. There are struggles with the higher ups in order to receive aid in this battle and it is to no avail. Weighing in on the scales of life does one prefer to live long and not prosper in money but in life? A question we must ponder.
2015 starting off with a smile and a prayer.